What you can learn from the most recent time I failed at being non-judgmental.
Non-judgmental people do a few things better than anyone else.
They assume positive intent
They ask really good questions, seeking to understand
They respect the opinions and life experiences of other people
““Recognizing our own mistakes helps us to empathize non-judgmentally with others and helps enable us to understand their issues.””
I recently failed at doing any of those things well, choosing instead to be rather judgmental.
There was a high-potential person who I knew. This person (let’s call them Sam) had been accepted at many prestigious universities, had a fantastic plan for their life, was captain of the sports team, and really knew what they wanted out of life. They were the kind of person that when you interacted with them, you couldn’t help but walk away thinking, wow, Sam’s really going to make something of their life.
Then something happened: all of the motivation started to fade; the prestigious university was no longer the plan; they quit their sports career, and they just seemed a bit more distant than usual.
I made the mistake of assuming Sam’s romantic relationship was interfering with the goals. I contemplated intervening. How dare Sam let love get in the way of such a good plan and so much potential? Young love almost always ends without a forever commitment. It would be better (safer) to just stick to the plan.
I never ended up saying anything because although it seemed obvious to me, there wasn’t enough evidence to be sure what was causing the significant changes in their approach to life. And even when I am at my judgmental worst, I am a bit shy about publicly acting on my assumptions should I be proven wrong.
What happened next? Or, as Paul Harvey would say, the rest of the story.
Sam went on to stay close to home. Continue their education at a much less prestigious school and work towards a much less certain future. It seemed the potential had been squandered. It appeared my judgment was correct.
Jump forward several more months..
It turns out I was right; something was going on. But it had nothing to do with the person’s significant other. Sam’s home life was in turmoil. It's really bad. Like life-changing, quit your plan to stay home and help kind of bad.
Although it seemed like the person needed help, and they did, I was off base with what was really going on. Had I allowed myself to act on the conclusions I had jumped to and tried to fix what I assumed was wrong, it would have led to brutal results. I would’ve lost all credibility with Sam. I would have been a real jerk and added stress to the situation.
Here’s my point: don’t be judgmental.
I often talk about the importance of being non-judgmental. I definitely need to keep working on that part of my journey. I can be better at being non-judgmental when I
Ask better questions.
Assume positive intent of the other person. In this case, Sam was putting their needs on hold to help the family. That’s noble and should be celebrated, not judged harshly.
Respected the other person's knowledge of what was best for their life. As much as I care about Sam, I was probably a little frustrated because Sam wasn’t going to do what I thought was the obvious best thing for their life.
Please don’t ignore nudges or signs that people need help. They will often be slow to ask for assistance. Start with curiosity so that you can support the person by helping to support their most significant burden instead of carelessly increasing the weight of their yoke.
If you are interested in hearing how God shows up in this story. Read on
Someone who cared about Sam came to me and said, Sam is really hurting. Is there any way you can reach out? Sam needed access to positive adult role models.
I hadn’t crossed paths with Sam in a while and had no way to make a connection that wouldn’t seem awkward or forced. Plus, Sam didn’t want anyone to know what was happening, so I couldn’t just make a direct connection to help.
So I did what I do. I prayed, and I asked God to create a way for me to cross paths with this person. If I was going to be helpful to Sam, I would need help.
Less than a week later, I passed Sam in the aisle at a store. I didn’t mean to be in that store. In fact, I hated that I ended up at that specific store at that exact time. Being in that store at that time resulted from all that had gone wrong in my day up to that point. I was running extremely late due to a car issue. It was only because of the car issue that I was at this particular store instead of the one I had planned to be at. In general, I was really frustrated in the moments leading up to this chance encounter. You know, the encounter I had been praying for.
But there in the store was the person I’d been praying about. They were also randomly at that store as it was no longer close to their home. They just happened to be in the neighborhood.
My plans for the day had been foiled, but as is always the case, God’s plan for good was running perfectly on time.
I created the most awkward and stupid reason to exchange phone numbers, and now we will see what God has planned next for this adventure.