Do People Love You for Who You Are or What You Do? How to Build Relationships With Joy that Lasts
Do you ever wonder if people really love you—or if they just love what you do for them?
This question cuts deep. It strikes at the heart of identity, connection, and what it means to be truly known. For many, the fear of being unloved keeps them stuck in people-pleasing cycles—adjusting who they are to fit what others want. But here’s the truth:
If you never show up as your true self, no one can ever love the real you.
The Relationship Chameleon Trap
When you constantly shift to meet others’ expectations, you may gain temporary approval—but you lose something far more valuable: authentic connection. People-pleasers, or what we might call “relationship chameleons,” often find themselves asking:
“Would anyone still love me if I stopped performing and they met the real me?”
The sad thing is, they believe the know the answer to that question, and have decided the answer must be no. So they shift how they show up to try and gain approval. The result is eventually, these individuals struggle with loneliness, even when engaging with others. Why do they struggle to feel connected even when with others? Because deep down, they know that if others only love the version of them they project, then that love isn't for them at all.
““Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day. It’s about the choice to show up and be real.””
And showing up as your real self takes courage.
4 Keys to Being Authentically Loved
If you want genuine, life-giving relationships—ones where you feel seen, valued, and supported—you have to start with YOU. Here are four steps to take:
1. Courage: Let Yourself Be Seen
Real love requires real risk. Being authentic means acknowledging that you're imperfect—and still worthy of love. It's about choosing vulnerability over image.
Yes, some people may not love everything they see. But that doesn’t mean you stop loving yourself. It doesn’t mean you're not lovable.
2. Humility: Admit You’re Still Growing
Let’s be clear: Being authentic doesn’t mean refusing to grow. The people who truly love you won’t just accept you as you are—they’ll also encourage you to become your best self. They’ll recognize the difference between your core identity (which should be embraced) and your rough edges (which can be lovingly refined). Between you living out truth and you living out your version of truth.
Love isn’t about enabling stagnation. It’s about walking with each other through the journey of becoming more whole, more wise, and more free. Loving others at every stage of the journey of life.
As Proverbs 27:17 says:
“As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.”
When you admit you don’t have it all together, you give others permission to help you grow—and that kind of mutual refinement builds stronger, deeper relationships.
3. Authenticity: Show Up Fully You
The most powerful relationships are those where both people are free to be themselves. When you live aligned with your design—your quirks, passions, and values—you create space for honest connection.
According to a study in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, authenticity is a major predictor of relationship satisfaction and long-term connection. People crave real. Pretending to be someone you’re not eventually creates exhaustion, confusion, or disconnection.
4. Integrity: Align Your Life With Your Values
Knowing who you are is just the beginning. Living it out—that’s where transformation happens. When your actions, words, and values match, you build trust with others—and with yourself. How can you expect others to be comfortable with how you show up if you aren’t comfortable in how you show up yourself?
Integrity creates stability in relationships because it builds predictability, honesty, and respect. It allows people to feel safe around you, because they know you’re not just performing—you’re being consistent.
The Reward: Relationships That Truly Matter and Joy in the comfort of being really you
Building real, lasting relationships won’t always be easy. But it will always be worth it.
Because when someone knows the real you and still chooses you? That’s love.
And when you can love yourself enough to stop pretending and start growing? That’s freedom.
“Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good.”
—Romans 12:9
If you want to be deeply loved, you have to be deeply known. Start today—one authentic step at a time.
So here’s the challenge:
Stop performing. Start showing up.
Let people love the real you—the flawed, growing, one-of-a-kind you.
Because fake connection may win you applause, but only authenticity achieves lasting joy in relationships.
Be confident. Be comfortable. Be convinced—You are worthy of love, warts and all.