Dating as a series of healthy experiments not as wins and loses
One approach to dating is to consider each relationship as an experiment in experiencing life with others. The goal of each relationship experiment is to discover important information like
Your non-negotiable expectations and needs in a relationship
The areas where you still need to mature by learning to compromise or adjust expectations
The ways that you want to be loved and to recognize the ways others want to be loved
How to engage in healthy conflict and disagreement
The nuisances between being selfish and protecting yourself
At the end of these experiments, the goal is to have learned enough to better identify the traits of a person you can commit to spending the rest of your life with, and to have developed the skills and behaviors necessary for that commitment to be healthy for both of you.
Note: This contradicts the idea of dating to find a single person who is the one that is made for you. This "find the one" mindset often has people staying in unhealthy situations out of fear that they might miss out on making it work with the one. They may even believe a breakup is a failure. A relationship that ends isn’t a failure if you have learned something you can apply in your next relationship. An experimentation mindset allows you the freedom to enjoy meeting a variety of people as you learn and mature into a lasting relationship-ready individual.
Here are seven things to work on and one thing to avoid so your dating life is beneficial for you and the people you date.
You should learn to give and accept gifts GENEROUSLY.
A romantic relationship is about two people learning how to become more complete as individuals through the sharing of support and gifts with each other. This requires you to be willing to give without expectation of return and accept the gifts of your partner without feeling guilty for receiving them. There is a joy in mutual giving that increases the quality of life for the individuals, the couple, and the world.
Successful experiments involve uncovering the gifts you have to give and identifying the areas where you benefit from the gifts of others. The end goal is learning to find joy in giving and receiving.
Learn to be comfortable when you are together and when spending time apart. (healthy Engagement habits)
Romantic relationships require time to grow and mature. But it should never require 100% attention 100% of the time. Unhealthy infatuation is when you can’t be without the other person, where healthy engagement is the ability to enjoy time together while allowing each other the freedom to enjoy moments in life apart.
Successful experimentation involves learning how to be comfortable and confident when you are with your partner 1 on 1 or in a group setting, and to be just as comfortable and confident when you are apart.
Learn that others define what NICE looks like.
Treating others the way you want to be treated is fine, but learning to treat another person in ways that makes them feel loved is the foundation of a lasting, joy-filled relationship.
Successful experiments occur when you expand your ability to understand how you and others want to be treated and learn how to turn that learning into consistent meaningful actions. A big part of this involves learning how to communicate your own needs in a way others hear them; and learning how to hear the needs of others no matter how poorly they communicate them. This means applying a balanced approach that meets the needs of both parts of the couple.
Become UNAFRAID of sharing the real you and of saying good-bye to those who treat you poorly.
A healthy romantic relationship will require you to go all in, allowing another person to experience the fully authentic you. You must also learn how to appreciate the authentic version of the other person. This requires you to accept that all people are imperfect, and imperfect people will occasionally be unkind to others. Experiencing occasional unkindness doesn’t make others evil or you unloveable. Learn the power of forgiveness. Also learn to be unwilling to accept continuing or extreme acts of unkindness. These require you to demonstrate the courage to leave.
Successful experiments will lead to you becoming more comfortable in your own skin and more confident in knowing how to not be repulsed by the imperfections of others. Learning to differentiate between unintended unkindness and intentional cruelty is also crucial so you can confidently forgive or courageously leave as appropriate.
Get comfortable and confident in who you are (live with INTEGRITY)
Romantic relationships require you to identify your non-negotiable values so you can learn when to compromise and when to stand firm. You must also be open to exploring these same values in your partner. No one can live a lie forever, and when you live outside your values, that is what you are attempting to do. Living a false self to meet the desires of another is an adventure guaranteed to end in failure, even with the best of intentions.
Successful experiments end in you learning what matters most to you and how to apply that to your behaviors, attitudes, and beliefs toward your partner. You must also learn how to shut off the temptations of the outside world (greener grass mindset) in favor of the intoxication of your partner.
Embrace that everyone is learning and that requires you to be NON-JUDGEMENTAL
In a romantic relationship, you must learn how to avoid overreacting to the past experiences of others. Everyone has done things they regret, even you. You must also make decisions about your own behaviors that will limit the opportunities for others to react negatively to your past experiences in the future.
Successful experiments enable you to differentiate between the unhealthy behaviors in others that you shouldn't tolerate and behaviors you must learn to tolerate because your reactions are unhealthy defense mechanisms. A relationship experiment should never end with you being someone’s greatest regret, or you allowing yourself to be put in situations where you regret the events of the relationship.
Build the skills of EMPATHETIC listening and questioning
A healthy relationship requires learning to appreciate the journey each of you has been on prior to meeting each other. You must learn to be a curious listener who is on a mission to discover why the person acts and reacts the way they do. You must also self-reflect about why you act and react the way you do.
Successful experiments involve learning how to appreciate that each person’s life journey impacts how they show up in a relationship. This appreciation allows you to accept other’s reactions aren’t always directly related to what they experience with you. Whatever your story, the way you share it online will impact people’s perceptions of you.
One set of experiments you don’t need to run.
Experimentation is necessary in every aspect of learning how to be in a healthy relationship except for physical intimacy. Waiting is the only guaranteed way to avoid regrets or potentially permanent scars. Scars can limit our ability to impact our world and they potentially change the way others look at and engage with us. There is 100% guaranteed safety in waiting; any other choice is a gamble. It's a gamble because many factors impacting the outcome are outside your control.
Plus, this is an area where once you find someone you want to commit the rest of your life to, you will be happy you waited. In a healthy relationship, there is no shame or embarrassment about your inexperience.
Think of it this way. If you are considering physical intimacy because you believe you will spend the rest of your life with that person and believe it is unnecessary to wait, that logic ends in one of two ways. First, you will be proven right. If you are right, you don’t lose out by waiting; you eventually get what you want. The other option is you're mistaken and don’t end up with that person. In this second scenario, you don’t lose because you have not done anything you need to worry about potentially leaving scars. Scars that other people will have to choose how to react to in the future, and other people’s reactions to your scars isn’t something you can control.
Conclusion
In a perfect world, you wouldn’t need to run any kind of experiments. It would be a world without regret. You would already know everything necessary to have an amazing lasting relationship. But the world isn’t perfect. Intentional experiments are how you learn to thrive in romantic relationships while enjoying the journey.
If you are an athlete you wouldn’t go into a game not knowing the play book. As a musician you wouldn’t play a gig without knowing the music, or as an artist you wouldn’t begin to create without knowing your inspiration/motivation. Yet so many folks date without a plan for success. Relationship experiments are about getting good at letting others know your plan so they can choose to get onboard, get to helping or get gone.