Empathy limits selfishness in relationships

I wrote this article on subconscious nudges. So when I got a couple of nudges recently, I decided not to ignore them and write this article. The nudges came from several articles across multiple content platforms, all related to not being a jerk (bully). They covered a variety of environments including at work, in youth sports, and as a friend. 

Here are a few thoughts on how to avoid being a jerk regardless of the environment. 

First, you need to become acutely more aware that the person you are interacting with isn’t reacting to you specifically based on the present situation. It is much more likely that there are things personally going on under the surface that are impacting their interaction with you.  

What I mean is that maybe the employee who is supposed to have a smile because that’s part of their job but doesn’t or the person who you expect to hang on your every word but isn’t might not fail to smile or isn’t fully engaged for a reason that has very little to do with you. Maybe something deeper is going on. 

A good rule of thumb is if the reaction doesn’t match the situation, don’t overreact to the response.

Said another way, Stop assuming that when someone’s interaction with you doesn’t match your expectation that the gap is about you. It’s probably about something totally unrelated. But what could it be…

Second, choose curiosity and assume positive intent over taking offense. 

Think to yourself something like I wonder what is going on that this person is struggling to be at their best today, or that was an odd reaction. I wonder what is going on?

Maybe even if nudged, be so bold as actually to ask the person if they are doing okay. 

Being curious and taking an interest in the lives of others, even if another person hasn’t verbalized a need, leads to better relational outcomes. 

Combining curiosity and positive intent is a healthier approach than thinking things like

• What the heck is wrong with this person?

• Don’t they know they are supposed to… <insert your desired reaction from them here>?

• What did I do to deserve to be treated like this?

Third, keep in mind that typically you aren’t frustrated directly by the other person's reaction. 

Frustration occurs when there is a difference between the reaction you experience and the reaction you expected to experience. What do I mean? 

Imagine while you are telling a story in a group setting someone is talking over you instead of listening. If you look over to see that the person talking over you is someone who has a reputation for being rude, do you react the same way as if you look over and find out the person who is talking over you is a friend? Probably not. You are more frustrated by the friend than the typically rude person because of your expectations. You expect your friend to pay attention to you.

Think of it this way. You can typically tolerate bad behavior to a greater extent when it is expected versus unexpected.

What about when you are the one dealing with stuff? 

It is beneficial for those of us who have something going on to be willing to share it appropriately with others. This can be an incredibly effective way to disarm a potentially negative situation. Just like we may struggle to be empathetic with others when their need is said, we can expect empathy isn't the standard approach for others when we are not at our best.

I bet we all would interact differently with someone who said, “Hey, I’m really sorry I’m not at my best today, but I just found out my grandma died.” It provides the context around the interaction and your reactions. 

It is best to do this safely; you don’t need to describe in vivid detail what you are going through, as most people don't benefit from the specifics. Just a little bit of honesty goes a long way.

When you acknowledge you are experiencing difficult circumstances, you aren’t burdening others by sharing; you are just creating a mutual understanding. Your honesty enables others to chose to bridge the gap between how they were expecting you to behave and how you actually behaved. You empower them to make an informed and more appropriate response. 

Remember, we all go through things, so it is an immature point of view to believe that you are weak because you are going through something. You aren’t weak because you’re going through something; you’re human. You aren’t weak because you can’t overcome everything you experience with perfection; you are human.  You aren’t weak because you struggle occasionally; you are human. And guess what? We’re all human, so from time to time, we will all experience these things. So be just as kind to yourself as you would be to others. 

Conclusion 

Because we are human, we tend to be self-focused as a default, but we also have the ability to be empathetic, caring, and kind.  The world is better when more people are caring, empathetic, and kind rather than judgemental, angry, and rude. 

Choose kindness when interacting with people, even when an interaction doesn’t meet your expectations. Choose honesty when you are not at your best; it might tip the scales toward kindness in others towards you.