Do process internally or externally?
I have experienced a lot of different communication styles and preferences. None are wrong they are just different. Learning to appreciate the preferences and differences and adjust to the needs of others has helped me become a better communicator. Here is how I describe one set of style opposites that doesn’t seem to get enough attention.
Internal Processors (slow to speak).
I need to think before I speak. But when I speak, I mean what I say. I can do so confidently because I have considered the situation, any related emotions, and the words I will use before I use them. I need to get a handle on what I am thinking through the lens of what I already know before getting more content to weed through.
I don’t want to say something I don’t mean because I can’t take words back once spoken. And I recognize words can hurt. I don’t speak until I know what I mean as a way to be kind and empathetic.
It’s not that I don’t want your input; I just don’t find your input helpful until I process what is already available. More isn’t always better; it’s just more.
External processors (quick to speak)
I need to speak to think. So you won’t know what I really mean until I get done using all the words available to me to describe all the possibilities flowing through my mind, and then we discuss it together. We will need to travel the road towards meaning together. Moving forward, backward, and all around what I mean until we get there together.
I don’t want to be silent because you might mistake my silence for apathy or anger. Silence can hurt. I speak, so you know I care and express empathy by engaging you in my thinking.
It’s not that I hate silence; it’s just that if you are silent, you might be thinking something that would be helpful to me, so I want to hear it. And if I stay silent, how could you correct anything that might be wrong in my mind? Silence is torture.
The world has a place for both of these communication mindsets.
In each of these mindsets, there is both selfishness and care for the other person.
In both mindsets, discussion and collaboration occur; it’s just a matter of timing.
Both of these mindsets lead to success and good outcomes. There are situations where each is preferable (emotionally charged situations usually benefit from being slow to speak, whereas open discussions/brainstorming need people to be willing to speak early and often).
So what?
Remember, the goal of communicating is to drive others to action. So it benefits you as a communicator to put your needs aside and focus on the needs of those you are communicating to.
Figure out how you prefer to communicate so you can let others know. I have taken to letting people know I process internally and that my silence is necessary so I can think.
Pay attention to how others communicate. I also pay attention to the styles of others and filter what is happening through an appreciation for the needs and preferences of others.
Make adjustments based on the situation and person. I will make considerations like
That person is externally processing, so I shouldn’t overreact to the words coming out of their mouth. They will change soon enough. If, in the end, I disagree, I should let that be known but don’t overreact along the way.
That person is an external processor, and this is an emotional subject; maybe I should encourage them to take some time before using their words. Focus them on the dangers of speaking too soon.
That person is internally processing; I should let them know I am open to hearing their thoughts when they are ready. But set a timeframe, so they don’t process forever.
That person is an internal processor, but we need a decision now; maybe I should let them know it’s okay if their thought isn’t complete because we value their opinion and need it before moving on. We can even directly acknowledge their right to adjust as needed.
Conclusion
What the world needs is for people to be curious about the communication preference of others and be empathetic to the needs of others when communicating.
People are more apt to hear what you have to say when you say it in the way they want to hear it (or at least let them know why you are delivering it the way you are) and on a timeframe that helps them process what is being said.
With that said, you can’t always be flexible, so sometimes when the stakes are low, just do what comes naturally. But whatever you do, don’t stop communicating.