Feedback is a gift or a weapon you get to choose which one
We all receive feedback continuously. Everything from projects we are working on to teams we are a part of to the apps we use involves feedback loops.
I didn’t say we are engaged in effective feedback loops or desirable feedback loops or helpful ones, but the loops are happening, even when it feels like you are running in a hamster wheel spinning without progressing; a feedback loop is happening.
So What?
Since feedback loops are everywhere, it is not whether or not they exist that dictates the effectiveness of the feedback, but how we choose to engage in the loop and react to the feedback that dictates if we move closer to or further from achieving a new future state with better outcomes. Meaning YOU own if the feedback becomes a tool or a weapon.
My encouragement is to stop letting how the feedback was delivered or who delivers it dictate whether you view it as valid and do something with it or ignore it.
Here is an example
My son is an athlete. He plays on a team. He has a coach. Recently he got feedback from his coach that was appropriate (fair) but not flattering. In summary, my son heard, be better at a couple things. More like the confident self you were last season.
My son wasn’t happy, but he had a decision to make. Was this feedback to become a tool that he would use to help him grow or a weapon that he would allow to be used to tear him down?
My wife and I, both being leaders and coaches, decided to help influence him towards the feedback becoming a tool by helping him think through how to process the feedback.
How to ensure feedback becomes a tool
We talked about removing the emotion from the situation. Focusing on the behaviors cited and not the way getting the feedback made him feel. His coach was trying to get him to do something different, not make him feel a specific way.
We talked about the feedback and challenged him to find the shred of truth. Even if he didn’t think it was all correct, find the thing to cling to that would help him get better outcomes either today or in the future.
We talked about looking for a pattern of behavior. Not to be dismissive of the event but to determine if we have an isolated incident or a behavior pattern. Both could need addressing, but we should react differently to behavior patterns that need changing vs. isolated incidents that need correcting.
We talked about the need to clarify what he thought he heard and what he should do with the information. He needed to get to a shared understanding between what he thought he was being told to do more, different or better, and what he thought it looked like to do it more, different or better.
Then we discussed how to get alignment with his coach to ensure what he thought he heard and what he thought he needed to do aligned with what his coach meant by what he said.
What he did
He talked through how it made him feel until he was neutral emotionally.
Then he looked for and found the shred of truth. He evaluated the evidence and decided not to accept it all but admitted there were things he should be doing better.
The overall evidence led him to conclude it was probably partly due to an injury and partly due to his mental state, and he needed to work on those things separately, but they were event-driven, not long-term behaviors.
He sent his coach a note. Where he said
this is what I heard,
this is what I’ll do about it,
is that what you wanted me to hear and do?
What was the result
The coach clarified some things, agreed with some things, and reinforced the why behind his feedback.
In the next game, my son applied the feedback. He didn't shrink or shut down. He rose to the occasion (at one point quite literally) and did what he could do to improve. And he got a better outcome for himself and the team.
To Summarize
We need feedback in order to grow. We need feedback to achieve great outcomes. But it’s not the person giving the feedback that determines if it is a tool or weapon, we do.
When another person cares enough to tell you the truth, even a hard one and even if they do it really poorly, try to assume positive intent. Don't get mad and don't get even; get reflective. Find the shred of truth. Apply a new approach to get better in the area and then be thankful.
After trying the new thing, re-evaluate if you are getting the better outcomes intended. If not, look for more evidence or ask for more feedback.
When you take this approach, all feedback, no matter how poorly given, can be used as a tool to help you grow even when you get cut by the blade in the process.
A note for those about to give feedback.
Giving feedback is hard. Especially if your experience has been with it feeling like a weapon. But being a leader (formal or otherwise) requires you to help others be their best. Feedback is an important part of helping others achieve their best. My best advice is that when delivering feedback don’t be a jerk and if you are a jerk, apologize (guidance here).
I love the model I originally learned from the folks at Manager-Tools over a dozen years ago (2 years before my first leadership job). I have applied my authentic twang to it, but for the most part, it goes like this.
Ask permission before giving feedback. The mindset of the person receiving the feedback matters when it comes to receptivity. Telling me I used the wrong font when I just found out my dog must be put down won’t have the outcome you hope. Manager-Tools says to use the phrase; can I give you some feedback. Allow someone to say no, but if they always say no, then you have a pattern of behavior that needs to be addressed.
Focus on the behavior and the results/impact. Don’t make it personal. Use a phrase like, I saw you do this <behavior> in this situation, and this happened <result>. That was great or wasn’t great, and here is why that matters.
If it was great, say thanks or express appreciation in a way that is meaningful to the person receiving the feedback.
If it wasn’t great, suggest something different for next time or have them suggest what they could do differently next time. It could sound like, next time, try this instead <new behavior> or ask them what do you think you could do next time to get a better outcome?
You may have heard this phrase be brief, be brilliant, be gone. Usually applied to presentations.
For feedback, I say be brief, behavior, be gone.
Keep it brief (just the facts and behaviors),
Be focused on the behavior (skip the emotions and presumptions on intent or what you think they were thinking) and then,
Exit the conversation (don’t hang around for justifications or rationalizing the behavior away). Give the person time to digest and process what you shared. If they want clarity, they will find you. If they need clarity but don’t ask (meaning behavior doesn’t change), you can give feedback again. But I always like to leave room for the emotions and processing to take place without me present. Then we can regroup and discuss with level heads and focused energy to get clarity on what you heard and what was meant.