10 Things I have learned from being married that you can apply to any important relationship.
#1. Marriage is not a 50-50 proposition. It’s 100%- 100%. In your most important relationships, you need to give all you got, not half of it. Go all in; no one wants to get half of another person's love, attention, effort or commitment.
#2. It’s foolish to expect someone to know something you have never told them. In relationships, we sometimes think the other person just ought to know. So we interact with them thinking they know things they don’t and then grumble when they don’t know things. Communicating effectively is important. Easy-to-understand words shared repeatedly work best.
#3. Your hopes, dreams, and desires can feel like expectations to others. - Andy Stanley. Handing ownership of achieving your hopes and dreams to other people is irresponsible. Not establishing shared hopes and dreams in relationships is disastrous. You don’t have to put all of your hopes and dreams on a shelf when you get married, but you do need to be willing to adjust them so you can establish shared hopes and dreams. You must also maintain responsibility for progress toward your hopes and dreams and your part in achieving the shared hopes and dreams.
#4. It sets you up for failure if you have improper expectations around “appropriate” lifestyle. When you get married, a mistake many people make is to look at the lifestyle they are leaving and assume that is the life they should step into. If you leave a situation where your example couple has been married for decades and working for just as long, it is unwise to think you will start in the same situation. You have no idea what your parents' life was like when they first got married, but if you ask them, they would likely be willing to share, and you can establish more realistic expectations.
#5. Conflict is normal. Any relationship void of conflict is also void of growth. Any relationship that only has conflict is void of joy. You can’t grow without trying new things. You won’t change without first discovering your current state isn’t working. Change and growth are uncomfortable, which means they create room for conflict. Conflict can be healthy or destructive. Constructive conflict is focused on behaviors, not the person, and is handled without harsh words, physicality, or emotional attacks. Find the balance between joy and healthy conflict.
#6. Choose forgiveness. I don’t make it a habit of being a jerk, but sometimes I am. I don’t intend to disappoint others, but sometimes I do. I don’t set out to take things personally and overreact, but sometimes it happens. Regardless of why I must apologize and ask for forgiveness, I make it a habit. I also make it a habit of forgiving others even before they ask. It makes me healthier and happier. I am better in relationships when I am happy and healthy.
#7. Most people marry someone who fills gaps in themselves. Someone who will help you become better at life. We look for people who to quote Jerry McGuire “You complete me.” You might not do it on purpose, but it happens subconsciously. This is a positive because it enables you to achieve things you couldn’t on your own. But it only works when each person in the relationship is willing to generously give of their strengths and willing to accept help from the other person. Humility when being helpful and humility in asking for help enables healthy generosity in a relationship.
#8. Investing in a relationship pays short-term dividends and provides long-term gains. Trust and intimacy are things we desire in relationships. Both are built by making small deposits regularly. Undistracted quality time, putting the other person's needs above your own, or choosing the other person over other things/people are the small investments you must make.
#9. There is not a single perfect recipe for marriage. Your marriage is the joining of two unique individuals. Your relationship will follow a path unique to your marriage. Don’t compare your marriage to the marriage of others. No good can come of it because their marriage is also a unique journey specific to them. If you must compare something, compare your capacity to love your spouse more today than yesterday. Compete with yourself to learn to love your spouse more and more every day.
#10. I truly believe my faith and personal relationship with Jesus have gone a long way in making my marriage strong. Marriage is challenging and requires me to think, say and do things that I don’t think I would be willing, capable, or strong enough to do without the support of a power greater than myself. For me, that source of strength is my faith.
Want to keep growing your marriage? Check out this article on the 7 C’s for a successful marriage.
What to get better at any relationship check out the GENUINE relationship model. This model can be applied to any relationship or team to help it become better.