10 things I tell my kids that can help you be more effective today
Being a parent is hard, so is being a leader. Here are 10 things that I often say to my kids that if applied to life and leadership will help you succeed more often.
It's okay to think.
Why do I say it? Maybe it's instant gratification or not wanting to appear uniformed that drives the behavior, but it isn't helpful to say the first thing on your mind as quickly as possible when asked a question.
Application: You don't need to have an immediate answer. Take the time required to evaluate the situation and then respond. Few things actually require speed to succeed, don't act like everything needs immediate action or reply. Thinking leads to better outcomes and clearer responses.
Listen to my words
My kids are famous for the type of interaction below.
My kid: "Dad, <a question or request>."
Me: “<Answer to the question>”
My kid <before the last word is out of my mouth>: "What did you say?"
Why do I say it? Instead of getting frustrated by feeling like I needed to repeat myself, I changed my approach. I would no longer repeat what I had said; instead, I responded with a question, "what did I say?"
I discovered that most of the time, they could repeat what I said because they did hear me. They just weren't fully engaged in listening, so they asked me to repeat myself before letting the words sink in.
Application: Listening well is a skill. Practice it until it becomes a habit.
You aren't what you accomplish.
Why do I say it?: Kids need to know they are more significant than what they are interested in or working towards. Your child is not a baseball player, an A student, or a musician. Your child's identity lives outside their accomplishments or accolades. Talking about this is important because a child's interests might change, or they might experience failure. Neither change of interests nor failure makes your child a disappointment.
Application: Internalizing that you are more than what you do or accomplish helps you manage change and failure more effectively.
I am proud of you.
Why do I say it? Many children don't hear words of affirmation or gratitude often enough. Kids who don't hear these things grow up believing they aren't good enough. These kids then turn into adults who don't share positive comments with their peers, employees, or anyone else.
Application: People need to know they are valued. Words are an easy way to accomplish this. They cost you nothing but have a high rate of return.
You can do it, but we will help if needed.
My kid: "I can't do it."
Me: "Have you tried?"
My kid: "No, I just know I can't."
Me: "Well, go try. You can come back if you need help."
My kid: "I don't want to try. I KNOW it's going to be too hard."
Why do I say it? That last statement is the punchline. Most of the things we say we can't do are actually things we don't want to try because they are hard or uncomfortable. And we know that when things are hard or uncomfortable, we are likely not going to be good at them at first.
Application: People can do many things they think they can't if they are willing to try and try again. Adding the additional affirmation that you are there to be supportive if they need help goes a long way in encouraging people to take chances.
Play it out.
(I stole this from my buddy Cam who learned it from his dad.)
Why do I say it? When faced with a situation with multiple options, take the time to think through multiple things that could happen. After making some considerations, you are better positioned to make an intentional choice. It is helpful if you consider things like:
What are the possible outcomes?
What needs to happen for that outcome to occur?
What is the probability of the various outcomes occurring?
What can you do to impact those outcomes?
What is the actual worst thing that might happen?
Can you recover if the worst thing happens?
Application: In many situations, it is wise to perform a minimal analysis. It puts the situation and potential outcomes into perspective. With that perspective, you can choose to move intentionally forward with the option that played out the best. Plus, you can move forward with more confidence and less worry.
Who cares?
I could use better phrasing, but it is well-intended. I eventually get to the directness of this statement and the directness of the tone I use only after trying to persuade my kids that the tiny thing they are overly focused on because it is ruining their day won't matter for long.
Why do I say it? This is my poorly communicated way of saying the thing you are concerned with isn't really important. You will be better off letting it go and saving your energy to focus on the critical things. I literally mean other than you, who cares.
Application: So many times, we get wrapped up in things that really don't matter. This could be because we lost sight of the ultimate goal, or we need more experience to know the long-term insignificance of the thing we are concerned with in the moment.
Fine isn't an answer.
Me: "How was school?"
My kid: "Fine."
Me: "How was practice."
My kid: "Fine."
Me: "I need more than fine. Fine isn't an answer."
Why do I say it? Fine means I don't want to put effort towards telling you anything. We can't engage in meaningful conversation when everything is fine. You must ask the next question and get enough information to make the interaction have value.
Application: This happens at work too. Maybe you have asked about a project to hear someone say it's "fine." Then on the next status report, that "fine" project is running behind and is reporting red on the status update. Many issues can be addressed before they become urgent if you take the time to get past things being fine.
That <thing you did> was <fill in a negative word, like stupid>.
For example, throwing that rock at my car was stupid.
Why do I say it? This is essential phrasing. With our kids, my wife and I have consistently delivered a lot of feedback. But that feedback always concentrates on the behavior and outcome, not them as a person. Telling your kid they are stupid feels a lot different than telling them throwing a rock at the car was stupid.
Application: When giving feedback, concentrate on the behavior and outcome, not on the person. Most people aren't actually stupid; they do stupid things. When delivering feedback, we want to eliminate the bad results, not crush the person's self-esteem.
I am sorry.
Why do I say it? I mess up often. When I mess up, I acknowledge my mistake. My kids need to know that life is a journey and success is not a destination; it's found in the process. A process that includes messing up.
Application: We all mess up. A much smaller percentage of people acknowledge their mistakes and apologize. The best do what the rest do not. The difference between the best and the rest isn’t the absence of mistakes, it’s the apology.
Put your phone away.
Why do I say it? We value taking the time to slow down and fully engage when interacting with each other. Sometimes we need to be reminded of the value of healthy relationships and the small sacrifices required to have the relationships we want.
Application: Creating distraction-free moments where you choose to fill the available time with conversation instead of scrolling on your phone provides opportunities to create connection. Connection leads to health in a relationship.
PS: If you don't accept "fine" as an answer, you might find you actually have a lot to talk about.