Guiding Principle: Don't Be a Jerk and when a Jerk Apologize
In summary this principle is designed to
Set the standard that there is acceptable and unacceptable behavior on the team
Establish an operating norm for what to do when you cross the line into unacceptable behavior
Encourage the sharing of diverse thought which creates debate, discussion, and healthy conflict with an understanding that sometimes that means jerk behavior will be encountered
Drive towards better outcomes through sharing of diverse thought and debate instead of consensus building through silence and conformity.
The Rationale
The don’t be a jerk principle is not about avoiding being a jerk; it's about acknowledging that the best results come from debate, discussion and sharing of opinions, which can lead to conflict/disagreement. My experience has shown this to be true and research supports it (check out research from Karen Jehn or Richard Hackman).
Research also supports that most people are uncomfortable with disagreements and therefore avoid conflict.
Research also finds that when you avoid something, it is more common to be bad at it than it is to be naturally gifted.
Conclusion most people are bad at healthy and helpful conflict and therefore people tend to try and avoid conflict of any kind.
Inference: Teams rarely achieve great things when a cultural norm is to avoid conflict (commonly labeled as build consensus) because the best ideas and reasonable dissension is left on the sideline.
On my teams I have consistently encouraged healthy conflict but as I have matured my understanding of what that really means has evolved.
Experience has shown that because of the discomfort with conflict it takes a lot of effort to create an environment that promotes healthy conflict. The don’t be a jerk principle is designed to help foster that environment.
Why this matters
When using conflict and discussion as a tool for creating better outcomes, you will inevitably have moments where you (or someone else) crosses a line and acts like a jerk. This is guaranteed because the you just acted like a jerk line is invisible. The person who acted like a jerk doesn’t draw the line so they aren’t purposefully crossing it. And the person who drew the invisible line likely doesn’t know the triggers of when the line is crossed until it is. Crossing an invisible line that you didn’t know was there doesn’t make you a jerk. It makes you a person who displayed jerk behavior in the moment.
When that happens and it is brought to your attention you should apologize, learn, and avoid doing it again. That sounds easy, but in reality, it’s relational, so it’s a complicated and ever evolving target.
Allow yourself comfort in knowing you will cross the line into being a jerk because you don’t have the life experiences of everyone else on the team, don’t see through the same lens and therefore don’t know how each team member will react when you say that thing, at that time, in that way.
You will on occasion act like a jerk because you don’t own the other person's lens or their reaction. You can’t be 100% perfect at meeting a standard that is invisible. So when it happens, apologize, learn, don’t do it again.
The goal is not to proactively avoid trying to be a jerk. It’s to create an environment where people are pushing the limits of the system, culture, and impact being delivered. Questioning how and why things have always been done with a goal of achieving something more significant than what is being achieved today or, better yet, that was thought possible. The point of this principle is
To acknowledge upfront that when limits are pushed and new ground is traveled, there is pain/discomfort. We aren’t good at uncomfortable situations, so we avoid them but…
We will achieve more together than apart. Relationships where we leverage diversity of thought/experience/expertise lead to the best outcomes. Sharing of diverse views can lead to conflict. The opposite of this is group-think/consensus building/conformity. These safer strategies are enemies of greatness and growth. They lead to mediocrity. You can’t achieve great things by towing the status quo. Avoiding the status quo involves leveraging the combined knowledge of the group. This means we must express opinions openly but remember that…
All business involves people, and people are relational and emotional. When pushing forward in relationship/partnership on new journeys, the pain/discomfort felt can affect the relationship because we all bring past experiences and current emotions as the lens through which we evaluate the actions, attitudes, words and intent of others. This is a guarantee.
So you must learn to navigate the bumps that occur along the way not to avoid them but to create smoother passages through them next time. This happens in part by building a callous (personal resilience- personal EQ) and in part by sanding down the sharper corners of others to be less painful to bump into (helping others build their EQ). This matters because...Long term, relationships matter as much as results, so you need to be building others up, not tearing them down. This is done through you being empathetic and loving towards others, including when you are a jerk. Ensuring as far as it is up to you, not only are you building towards excellent outcomes but healthy relationships.
This principle creates space to help you not only build into better outcomes but also grow into people who are better relationally. It’s the old win-win.
The benefits are in the impact
If I am a jerk and you bring it to my attention, and I empathize that my behavior came across as being a jerk and chose to apologize, the door is open to a flywheel of exponential growth because experience has shown me that…
Honest and candid communication in an environment where relationships matter as much as results builds the following...
Trust, personal resilience, relational intelligence...which creates an environment of assuming positive intent which leads to...
Healthy conflict, helpful disagreements, and open discussions, which fosters an environment of...
More honesty, more speed, more trust, and more effectiveness of individuals/teams, and better decisions, which leads to...
Better outcomes and more impact. Which ignites a fire in people’s desire to do great things together and a belief that they are part of a team capable of greatness. Because winning and celebrating alone is good but winning and celebrating as a team feels better, especially when no one is a jerk.
So the cycle goes on repeat and picks up more incredible speed fueled by even more trust, honesty, and relational goodness, which leads to better results.
Conclusion
The sharing of diverse thoughts and opinions can lead to conflict, but it is the only way to come up with the wisest solution so you must allow for it.
So don’t be a jerk and when you are a jerk, apologize. Its for the best.
Exception Alert: If you demonstrate consistent jerk behavior and not just someone who occasionally crosses the acting like a jerk line, there is no tolerance for you. This is not a license to be a jerk. It is a license to live in the freedom of an environment of healthy conflict, knowing that a principle exists for what to do when you occasionally cross the jerk line.
Also personal attacks are not tolerated. That takes conflict from healthy to destructive. We don’t tolerate that either.