The Lies you Tell Yourself Don't Just Hurt, They Prevent Greatness
Let me share a brief personal story with a broadly applicable life lesson. Our youngest daughter is adopted. She joined her forever family at the age of 6.
In those first 6 years (or a least a portion of them) before she joined our family, she was told two distinct lies regularly. Don’t ask me how I know; it's personal, but I know. The first was that she was intellectually challenged and that she would never function at the same level as her peers. The second was that her lack of intellect didn’t matter because she is physically beautiful, and that is how she would get by in this world. That physical beauty is your value, and we will treat you differently because of it.
One of these lies is entirely false. The second is a lie attached to a truth. Both are equally dangerous.
The bald-faced lie. I would summarize what we were led to believe about her intelligence this way. We told the folks at the orphanage that we brought a puzzle for our daughter as one of the things to do while we got acquainted. They told us they hoped it was a preschool puzzle (the ones with the entire outline of the individual pieces) because at 6 years old, she was incapable of doing an age-appropriate puzzle.
The lie attached to truth. My daughter is beautiful, that is true, but that is not her value in this world. She has so much more to offer. She is beautiful on the inside in her heart, in her mind, and also on the outside.
The problem is that both of these lies have equally influenced everything she believes about herself. Examples
She wouldn’t try in school at first. If anything was difficult, she believed the lie that she was not smart and would quit without trying. She believed she couldn’t, so she wouldn’t.
She would always try to wear the shortest skirt, show off her mid-drift, wear high heels, or put on make-up. Constantly looking to step up to the appropriate line and get past it if at all possible. To show off her beauty so she could feel valued.
The truth is we all have lies about ourselves that we believe. Some are lies that begin inside us; others are lies based on what others say or how they treat us.
But there are certain truths about lies that are painful. One truth is that the lies we tell ourselves have negative consequences. The lies change what we believe about ourselves, how we interact with the world, and what we believe to be possible. The lies prevent us from achieving the most authentic version of ourselves. They limit the results we can achieve. Many lies lead us to stop short of achieving our best because we think we aren’t smart or capable enough, and so we settle for mediocre instead of great. Limiting the impact of what we are capable of achieving.
Lies don’t just prevent us from achieving our best; it's worse than that
The lies we tell ourselves aren’t just bad for us as individuals, preventing us from achieving our personal best; they also impact our ability to bring out the best in the communities we belong to. These lies can
Make it difficult for you to be a good team member. Many lies lead us to either overvalue or undervalue the opinions, ideas, and work of others. Limiting effectiveness of teams.
Impact your ability to have healthy relationships. Many lies lead us to believe we are unworthy of loving or being loved. So we keep people at a safe distance or welcome too many people in too close. Searching for fulfillment in people or isolating yourself are both unhealthy.
Make it more challenging to be a leader. Some of the lies will prevent us from doing the right things when they are challenging in favor of doing the easy thing that will prevent us from being exposed to an experience that feeds our lies. Things like avoiding giving negative feedback to avoid conflict because we want to be liked, which feeds the I need to please people lie.
What can you do about it?
We all tell ourselves lies from time to time. If we tell ourselves too many lies or the same lie too many times, it can have an impact on our physical, mental, and emotional health. But the good news is that research on neuroplasticity shows that we can retrain our brains to believe new things. So the lie we accept today can become a part of our change journey story tomorrow.
The bad news is that it takes time and consistent effort to do it. You won’t retrain your brain (or anything else) overnight. You must consistently work at the change. With our daughter, it has taken three years and the efforts of lots of specialists for her to believe she is capable of being smart. Even though there is more effort and belief, we still must consistently reinforce that her intelligence is real and valuable. Because she has bad days and moments still.
If you want to exchange a lie with a truth, it is very important to take the time to be more intentional in identifying the lies, figuring out the truth that counters the lie, and establishing a path forward that enables successful change.
I have developed a model to help people achieve this level of intentionality called ARCH Impacts for Life which is found here. It covers how to achieve more truth and listen to fewer lies through this approach.
Authenticity- you were made on purpose and for a purpose. Your specific combination of skills, experiences, and knowledge makes you uniquely positioned to be helpful in a way that no one else can or to reach someone no one else can. You need to understand yourself and find the truth behind the lies you might be thinking, speaking, or hearing about yourself. I once heard it said that being right and being wrong feel exactly the same until the moment that you realize you were wrong. The lies you tell yourself about yourself feel exactly like a truth until you acknowledge they are lies. Consider starting your journey using our SMOREE profile to learn more about your strengths, motivations, opportunity areas, recognition preferences, energy, and emotions—the truth about how you were designed in key areas for personal effectiveness.
Results- you need to take time to figure out what results matter most to you so you can find ways to spend a more significant portion of your time, talent, and treasure working towards achieving those results. Achieving positive results helps you eliminate the lies because you have proof points that demonstrate your truth. Aligning results in life with what speaks to your heart leads to greater joy and fulfillment. Consider asking yourself these questions?
What speaks to my heart (What thing, cause, or people group do I care about deeply?)
Why?
How does my unique combination of life experiences and skills allow me to positively impact this thing?
What would successfully impacting that thing look like?
Community- you must surround yourself with a community of people who feed the truth about you and help you defend against the lies that enter your mind. A fact is that you (all people) were designed as relational beings. You will gravitate towards relationships (even us introverts) so make sure the people you surround yourself with are helping you become more of who you were designed to be, not less. Helping you build on your truths, not burying you further under the burden of lies.
Habits- you need to establish a set of habits that support you in a sustainable pursuit. Duh, everyone knows that. Where I see people go wrong is they set out to leverage habits without knowing.
What is the result you are trying to achieve?
How does this habit help me achieve that result?
Does this habit fit with my design?
A helpful habit will help you achieve your results in a sustainable way. Not all best practices are best for your design. Stop believing the lie that if you fail at instituting a best practice, you are a failure. Start believing the truth that it just wasn’t the right best practice for you. A good habit will
Enable you to find the right balance of giving away energy and recharging,
Using your strengths while also leaning into opportunities to expand and grow,
Lead to more effectiveness and efficiency, not distraction and doubt
Conclusion
The lies you believe about yourself are bad, but they don’t have to be permanent. Start your change journey today by figuring out what are the lies you tell yourself and what is an alternative truth that you can replace the lie with (Authenticity). Then figure out something you can achieve to create an example of the truth you can reference as needed in the future (Result). Then surround yourself with people who will support your pursuit of the truth (Community). Finally, identify and build sustainable habits that will help you retrain your brain. The world, or at least somebody’s world, will be better when you take the time to begin moving along this journey!