Life Lessons from the other side of moving (Part 1)
Having experienced the reality of barely surviving (more truth than hyperbole in that statement) the stress, discomfort, lack of control, and fatigue of moving. I on fully on board with the research that concludes the physical, mental and emotional demands of moving lead it to being one of the most stressful events in your life.
Moving puts stress on you, your relationships, your work life, and all the other things you try to maintain while also juggling the mountain of tasks associated with moving.
Because experience is the greatest of teachers and learning from others is less painful than learning for yourself. Instead of wallowing in my sorrows, I would pass along a few of the lessons I learned. These lessons apply to moving, working, and living your best life. The lessons are presented in narrative order (meaning I placed them in this order to tell the best story), not in the order of importance.
1. It all starts with understanding that Trust is essential. …
When moving, there are a ton of tasks to be completed. If you are selling a current home and buying a new one, that list of tasks is literally doubled. The number of tasks is way too many for any individual to handle, which is why realtors, movers, and handyman companies exist.
My wife and I took a divide and conquer (delegating as we call it in the workplace) approach to accomplish all the tasks. During our move, my wife and I split up many duties or delegated them to our children. For example, I was responsible for cleaning out the barn; she was responsible for packing the delicate things in the kitchen; the kids were responsible for packing their rooms.
As the last day of ownership of our previous home arrived, my wife told me that she hadn’t been down to the barn since she delegated the responsibility of cleaning it out to me. It had literally been weeks since she had thought about the barn, and it was only during the final walk-through that she was going to see the final output of my work.
This was meaningful in two ways. First, I felt so good inside to know that my ability to accomplish the task was never in question (she believed in my skills), and she didn’t micromanage how it got done (allowed me autonomy); she just trusted me to do it and believed it would be done well. This created joy in me and improved our relationship because I felt trusted and appreciated. In addition to how it made me feel, had she not trusted me and instead tried to micromanage the task, we never would’ve gotten everything done because…
2. Have I mentioned yet there are many things to do when you are moving so you better write them down…
During our moving process, I listened to a podcast featuring the author of Getting Things Done <link to podcast>. Author David Allen stated that the mind is not meant to organize lists or track tasks. So, when you don’t write things down and just plan to remember the essential things, you are leaving a lot up to chance.
Our bodies and minds react to this self-imposed game of chance by
Waking up in the middle of the night worrying about things
Operating with that uneasy “I just can’t put my finger on why” feeling throughout the day
Being inefficient because when those important tasks pop back into our minds, we drop everything to work on the important thing we just remembered
All of these are symptoms of the greater problem, which is by not writing things down, you are asking your brain to function outside of its comfort zone, which puts stress on your mind and your body. When you live outside your comfort zone, it has a lot of negative impacts on you and your relationships.
So stop resisting and start writing things down. This simple practice alleviates all the negatives above, plus it creates the positives of having a list that you can work off of, share with others to get their help, and seeing all the things written down helps you put the tasks in the correct order, which is important…
3. Because prioritization is not just about what gets done, but when things get done.
With so many tasks involved when you move, from signing papers to scheduling inspections to packing and cleaning, it is incredibly important to prioritize them to make sure the most important ones get done, but it is equally important they get done in the correct order. Here is an example:
The home we bought needed a lot of work, so we engaged with many different specialists to help get that work done. This is where the importance of order when getting things done was reinforced. Did you know that painting goes much more smoothly if the drywall work is done 48 hours in advance to ensure that it is dry? Or that electricians may need to cut holes in drywall to run wire so getting them going early in the process prevents rework by the drywall guy and the painter. But most importantly, you should check the plumbing first because leaks in sinks or toilets can ruin the new electric, drywall, and paint.
These tasks are important, so they were on the priority list, but the order at times wasn’t the best, so we had painted surfaces that got removed by the electrician, and a plumbing incident ruined some ceiling paint. A real-life reminder that prioritization isn’t just about making sure the right things get done; it is also about making sure the right things get done in the right order.
Doing the right things but doing them out of order will create a lot of rework, unneeded expenses, and frustration. Probably just as much of each of those as you would create if you worked on the wrong things.
4. But don’t get me wrong, even with a written down prioritized list and a good plan, things will go wrong because…
There is no such thing as a perfect process, and control is an illusion. As I have tried to share before, success is not in the prevention of problems; it’s in how you respond to the problems that will occur.
So much of the process of moving or buying or selling a home is outside of your control, which reminded me, much later than would have been helpful, that control is an illusion. I first encountered this idea as applied to relationships from one of my trusted sources of information, Manager-Tools.
Many leaders and high performers operate under the illusion that they are in control of situations and people. That they are able to with almost 100% certainty guarantee a result or outcome if by nothing more than sheer will, determination, hard work, and proper preparations. I still get caught up in this mindset myself. Here is an example
We put our house on the market in one of the hottest housing markets in history and in one of the hottest markets in the country. It was a beautifully maintained house in a hard to get into community, with many desirable features that would be impossible to recreate at the same price with the cost of goods and labor at the time. We had done EVERYTHING in our control to ensure a quick sale. We stagged the house, including removing 2/3 of everything we owned, we cleaned it, fixed things, worked with a well know realtor, etc. Everyone told us how it would be only a matter of days until it sold. We got no offers on day one or day two.
So what did I do? I doubled down on being in control. I bought sod to replace some not quite perfect patches in the lawn, I cleaned the top of the refrigerator, I moved the stagged furniture from the left side to the right side of the room, and I reposted about our home on every possible social media outlet I could.
This crazy cycle went on for three weeks. After every couple of days without an offer, I would double down on my own efforts and attempt to obtain greater control. I personally stressed myself out and made others around me miserable because I believed I could work and will the situation into the outcome I desired. After all, I had a list, and I had worked and reworked that list.
We all work and live in a world where we control so little, yet so many of us live the opposite truth that we are in almost total control. We must learn to let the illusion of control go. It is better and healthier, I promise.
Lists and prioritizes are not about control; they are about creating a sustainable process so that when chaos happens, you have a point of focus to work towards and a foundation of strength to build on as you get through the storms.
5. When you lose something, like control, it is important to create time to grieve the loss…
The musing of musicians Semisonic reminds us that Every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end.
Throughout our lives, we will experience many new beginnings, either by our own choosing or someone else’s (because, as stated above, control is an illusion).
There is a lot of content out there on change management and how to help people embrace the new using strategies like sharing the intent, letting people know what’s in it for me (WIIFM), and educating them on how to be successful in the new world. I am an advocate for change management and think it helps with smoother adoption and achieving better outcomes more quickly. However, when was the last time you were invited to grieve the loss of the old as part of your change management routines?
A healthy part of embracing a new beginning is mourning (grieving) the loss of the old. Before you can fully embrace the new, you need to more completely say goodbye to the old.
Depending on the type of end you are experiencing, it grieving the loss can be as simple as taking a few deep breaths or as complex as seeking the advice of a professional counselor. Here are a few strategies that sit between those two options
Spend time in quiet reflection, meditation, or prayer
Write down how you are feeling and why (some call this journaling)
Talk about how you are feeling with friends or others experiencing the loss.
Create a pros/cons list to see the benefits of the change even though you are giving some things up
Speak truth to fear by writing out your worst thing that could happen list and then reflect on the reality of the situation by asking yourself how likely is it that any of that is really going to happen, and if it does so what?
The goal of grieving the loss is to create space in the mind, the body, and the soul so you as a whole person can more fully accept what was lost and embrace what it meant to you when it was around. Then you can successfully begin to establish and embrace new routines.
Remember that all people react differently, so there are no timelines for how long grieving lasts or a standard approach to getting beyond the grief. The grieving process is often summarized as a journey through these stages.
Shock and denial > despair > release > renewal
The goal of the grieving process is to get to a healthier place where you can begin to embrace the new and return to a normal that is more closely aligned with how you operated before the loss occurred. The way you get there, so long as you do no harm to yourself or others, is uniquely personal, and that is okay.
Note: If you are grieving a deep loss such as a death, divorce, job loss, or another traumatic event, I am sorry. As part of your healing, please dig deeper into the grieving process. The content in this article is not attempting to be a complete recommendation for dealing with grief. Its intent is to create awareness that grief occurs during any new beginning, and we should acknowledge and work through it.
Much like moving was a much heavier burden than I anticipated, I fear this article may be much heavier than you expected. So this feels like a good breakpoint… Part two of this discussion will cover
Why the world needs specialists, but…
They need project managers and project plans to ensure the work gets done and that …
Those who are willing to humble themselves and ask for help…
Get to see how valuable a community can be…
And then close it out with a reminder about the value of routines.
Until next time…